can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
