Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
