i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
