Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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