I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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