Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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