On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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