im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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