were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
