I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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