I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just puked most of my soul out..
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