just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
