im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
