no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Never joke about your clitoris.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
