Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
