I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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