Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
