I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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