The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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