I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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