My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize