He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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