I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
