Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
