i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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