Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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