Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
