beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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