this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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