i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
