we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
