Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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