Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
