When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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