dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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