So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
