so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
