the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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