so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
