how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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