so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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