if you like me you must not know who I am
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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