After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
