soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
