It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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