The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My vagina just recognized that song.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
