Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
