i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
