I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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