I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
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The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
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He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.