Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
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trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
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I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm