i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
