i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Vodka?
Forever.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
