This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
