All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
