I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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