i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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