I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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