There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
