the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize