I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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