good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
